There’s nothing as personal as going through a man’s wallet after he’s died.
The worn black leather wallet felt heavy in my hands. Filled with the cards and treasures of a man who valued information, and connections.
His wallet was a microcosm of his life and home. Stuffed full of the useful, no longer useful, and the never was useful. But one never knows when something might become important.
Over the table, where for half a century my Father presided over meals and celebrations, I spread the many cards, pieces of paper and calendars that he carried.
In a clear sleeve was a worn photo of me and my high school boyfriend smiling in our homecoming best. A favorite memory for my dad. Symbolic of a life I knew he wished I would have lived.
The evening before, after dinner with my mother and brother, he had sat down in his favorite chair to watch television. When my brother came to him later that night, my father was holding the television remote in his hand. The television was off. This is something I thought about a lot in the days after. I am certain dying was not on his schedule that night, but an evening of watching his favorite programs was.
Was he afraid and did he feel pain was all I could think about. Did he sit down with remote in hand and close his eyes. Did he know what was happening.
As his first born I held the memories of a 20-something-year-old father. A man that built his own Hi Fi cabinet and loved model trains. Even now the slightest whiff of train oil brings me back to a hobby shop standing next to my daddy. A young man who loved family bike rides after dinner and went all out on holiday decorations.
Flickering memories of hockey games and boxing matches on a small television. A father and his toddler daughter asleep next to him most of the time yet still the black and white images linger entwined with the comfort of being loved.
The contents of his wallet spread out on his table organized in piles. All the things he carried and anticipated needing in the days to come.
The days after he watched television after dinner.
